Click for Cincinnati, Ohio Forecast

                                                                                Wednesday, June 04, 2008

325 West Eighth Street

Cincinnati, OH 45202

Phone: (513) 421-5354

 

    Dear Reverend ScoT,

            In response to several complaints I have received over your sermon this past Sunday, I would just like to point out a few mistakes you made:

1.      There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

2.      There are 12 disciples, not 10.

3.      Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

4.      Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

5.      We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

6.      The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

7.      David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

8.      When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

9.    We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

10.  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “ Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

11.  The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry.”

12.  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub.

13.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Although we here at St. Peter and Chains have no intentions on inviting you back, we do hope you do a better job in the future preparing your next sermon. I’ve enclosed some materials, including a Holy Bible, for you to study. I’ll be in touch if your services are needed.

 

Thank you and God bless,

Rev. James A Bramlage, Pastor

Harry, spill the wine

 

 

 

Date and time display: 

<script language=Javascript1.2>
<!--

var tags_before_clock = "<b>It is now "
var tags_middle_clock = "on"
var tags_after_clock  = "</b>"

if(navigator.appName == "Netscape") {
document.write('<layer id="clock"></layer><br>');
}

if (navigator.appVersion.indexOf("MSIE") != -1){
document.write('<span id="clock"></span>');
}

DaysofWeek = new Array()
  DaysofWeek[0]="Sunday"
  DaysofWeek[1]="Monday"
  DaysofWeek[2]="Tuesday"
  DaysofWeek[3]="Wednesday"
  DaysofWeek[4]="Thursday"
  DaysofWeek[5]="Friday"
  DaysofWeek[6]="Saturday"

Months = new Array()
  Months[0]="January"
  Months[1]="February"
  Months[2]="March"
  Months[3]="April"
  Months[4]="May"
  Months[5]="June"
  Months[6]="July"
  Months[7]="August"
  Months[8]="September"
  Months[9]="October"
  Months[10]="November"
  Months[11]="December"

function upclock(){
var dte = new Date();
var hrs = dte.getHours();
var min = dte.getMinutes();
var sec = dte.getSeconds();
var day = DaysofWeek[dte.getDay()]
var date = dte.getDate()
var month = Months[dte.getMonth()]
var year = dte.getFullYear()

var col = ":";
var spc = " ";
var com = ",";
var apm;

if (date == 1 || date == 21 || date == 31)
  {ender = "<sup>st</sup>"}
else
if (date == 2 || date == 22)
  {ender = "<sup>nd</sup>"}
else
if (date == 3 || date == 23)
  {ender = "<sup>rd</sup>"}

else
  {ender = "<sup>th</sup>"}

if (12 < hrs) {
apm="<font size='-1'>pm</font>";
hrs-=12;
}

else {
apm="<font size='-1'>am</font>";
}

if (hrs == 0) hrs=12;
if (hrs<=9) hrs="0"+hrs;
if (min<=9) min="0"+min;
if (sec<=9) sec="0"+sec;

if(navigator.appName == "Netscape") {
document.clock.document.write(tags_before_clock+hrs+col+min+col+sec+apm+spc+tags_middle_clock+spc+day+com+spc+date+ender+spc+month+com+spc+year+tags_after_clock);
document.clock.document.close();
}

if (navigator.appVersion.indexOf("MSIE") != -1){
clock.innerHTML = tags_before_clock+hrs+col+min+col+sec+apm+spc+tags_middle_clock+spc+day+com+spc+date+ender+spc+month+com+spc+year+tags_after_clock;
}
}

setInterval("upclock()",1000);
//-->
</script>

 

 

 

 

Mayan countown timer:

 <html>

<head>
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
<meta name="Webmaster" content="xlunarbase@hotmail.com">

<title>End of Time</title>
<!-- --><SCRIPT>

<!--
// Browser Compatible for this script: IE 2.0 or Higher
// Netscape 2.0 or Higher

var theDay = new Date("December 21, 2012 11:18:00 GMT+0100") //Date must be in the form Month, Day, Year
var DayTill //The string that is going to put all numbers together and make sense.

function countdown()

{

var today = new Date() //Create a variable with today's date
var second = Math.floor((theDay.getTime() - today.getTime())/1000) //Find the seconds
var minute = Math.floor(second/60) //Devide "second" into 60 to get the minutes
var hour = Math.floor(minute/60) //Devide "minute" into 60 to get the hours
var day = Math.floor(hour/24) //Devide "hour" into 60 to get the days


CDay= day //Correct day
CHour= hour % 24 //Correct hour, after devide into 24, the remainder deposits here.
CMinute= minute % 60 //Correct minute, after devide into 60, the remainder deposits here.
CSecond= second % 60 //Correct second, after devide into 60, the remainder deposits here.

if (CDay < 0 ) {CDay = "0"; CHour = "0"; CMinute = "0"; CSecond = "0";} //Stop at 0

DayTill = CDay + " days, " + CHour + " hours, " + CMinute + " minutes and " + CSecond + " seconds "

//Rewrite the string to the correct information.

document.clock.countdown.value = DayTill //Make the particular form chart become "Daytill"

var counter = setTimeout("countdown()", 1000)

}

//-->

</SCRIPT>

<!--mstheme--><link rel="stylesheet" href="tdma1110.css">

<meta name="Microsoft Theme" content="tdmaker 1110, default">
<meta name="Microsoft Border" content="tlr, default">
</head>

<!-- --><BODY onLoad="countdown()" topmargin="0" leftmargin="0"> <! You must have countdown() here to run the script -->

<h1>
According to the Mayan long term calendar, 
</h1>

<!-- --><FORM NAME="clock">

<h1 align="center">

You have <INPUT TYPE="TEXT" NAME="countdown" SIZE="45"> of physical existence
remaining.

</FORM></h1>
<!-- -->

</body>
</html>